And so it begins

My eyes are tired. The little girl woke up no fewer than eight times last night until finally I put us both out of our misery and did the unthinkable: I brought her into my bed.

And then we slept, a little less fitfully.

The bad dreams raged on, though: Someone is chasing me and he/she looks like my old boss for awhile and then my boyfriend’s old girlfriend and then someone I don’t even know. And then the chaser disappears, but I am left, wide-eyed and breathless, not having any idea where to go.

I am stuck, in the middle of a wide open field, somewhere completely unfamiliar. And I am alone.

This house is a home like Bon Iver is peace. My home. My peace. Even if they are newfound.

“For Emma, Forever Ago” is the only record up on my little bookshelf that is actually mine.

This morning, I keep listening.

Everything that happens is from now on…

This house like a home goes on the market today. It is just a house. A pretty little yellow house in the middle of America. I haven’t had it long enough to be this attached. It is just a house.

Today, I feel a little like running away, holing up – for a while. Just existing without all this worry, without all these endless job applications that go nowhere. Just figuring out how to keep doing what matters most – loving the three people I’d do anything for, ever. Figuring out how we can all live happily ever after.

This morning, on the way to school, the little girl out of nowhere looked up at me in the rearview mirror and said, “Mom, I miss you when I’m at Grammy and Papa’s.”

It was both sweet and sad at the same time. But she loves her Grammy and Papa, and we are lucky. Still, to hear her say she wishes I could somehow not be absent while she’s with those other people she loves made me feel, well, warmer.

Thank god for those moments, for those wonderful days, for those beautiful babies, for that amazing man, for those do-anything-at-all parents (all of you). We will get through this.

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12 thoughts on “And so it begins

  1. I am feeling so much pain in your writing today. *hugs* I am so sorry that you are going through so much. The happy part is that you are NOT alone. We are all here cheering you on and hoping that you find the warmth at the end of your rainbow…

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  2. Take pride in your kids, that is the best job in the world. Look at them each day and feel accomplished. You may not be paid money but you are rich in the love they will for ever have for you being their mom.

    Hold strong, I have a great feeling that life is going to take a right turn very soon………….

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  3. “Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.”
    ~ Aldous Huxley
    I know today is a hard day for you. You didn’t think you would be in this situation. I haven’t said a lot or really shared much about my childhood but, today seems like the perfect day to tell you that you and your babies are going to okay. I know this because I was Rye’s age when my dad lost his job. I can tell you that it affected me differently than my 15 year old sister. Rye and Paige aren’t even going to remember this bump in the road. What I remember is my dad being around more and random jobs he took so; we could stay with what we knew. I know now that my parents drained their savings and some retirement to make ends meet for all this to happen. I know they made hard decisions, like you made regarding selling your home.
    I want to go back to the random jobs because although my dad hated them they are what I remember most. A point to remember, this was the 80’s when times and finding jobs wasn’t the easiest. He painted an elderly ladies home and I got to go with to help. He was a Little Debbie Sales Man. I LOVED this job! We had Little Debbie’s in our refrigerator at all times. I don’t really remember my life being that different. Despite filling out tons of applications and getting odd jobs we still did fun things but, activities that were free. If I wanted something they would say “no” which, if you knew my parents really wasn’t that different.
    Needless to say months and years passed, and the day finally came when my dad landed a great job in Norfolk and we had to move from Grand Island. Some of the delay had to do with my sister and being in high school but, the move and all is a whole different story for another day.
    My point is…Please know that you might not get that perfect career mover job out of the gate. You might just have to make some coffee but, the day will come when that great job or door opens.
    What your kiddos will remember most are the memories you create with them even during these difficult days. I am rooting for you! Something is going to come up soon!

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  4. It’s not the house per say that is bothering you. As you point out, it’s just a house. You had hopes and dreams that came with that house to which you are still attached. In your mind’s eye it was your family home, and now you are feeling a little root-less because you are not sure where you will land. But, I have always said I would rather sit on an old orange crate talking to people I love than sit in a beautiful mansion talking to people I don’t care all that much about. In a couple of years this will be a distant memory. A crystal ball would be nice!

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  5. Hey Veronica,
    Much love for you and everything. You are great. But ease up on the sadness. It is not healthy. Maybe you can’t help how you feel, but writing is a choice. If you choose to write this way it will only pull you further down!

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    • Wow Joel that’s exactly what I wanted to say but you said it so much better! I thought maybe you didn’t post over the weekend because Saturday was date night with your rock star boyfriend! You put so much energy into the the world don’t let it be negative!

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  6. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. All these people are right though…you are strong, …better things are on the horizon,… just one of many Valleys in a lifetime, …most importantly, you have many friends and family that will hold you up and help you get to the next incredible part of your life.

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  7. I don’t think V is being negative at all she’s just saying it like it is. Safety is for newspapers. but last year my little girl also had sleeping issues and believe you me, taking her into the bed with you is the wrong thing to do. What we did and it totally worked was use a squirt gun with WARM water because cold water would be cruel, obviously. She sleeps like the dead now.

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    • REALLY??Didn’t your daughter cry when you used the water gun? Morgan would think it was either time to play or scream and wake everyone else up.

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      • I read about that water pistol thing too! I think it was in Rosie or maybe Hola! Sounded crazy but I guess it works for kids like itr does for my little dachshunds.

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