Maybe it just will

Have you ever wanted something so bad that after you ask for it you feel like you’re holding your breath?

Like that easy art of breathing is suddenly threatened, like you realize 20 minutes later that you’re still not really inhaling, that those lungs aren’t working as they should, that you feel light-headed?

Because we’re all waiting for something that may not ever come. We all have something (right?) that we desperately want but have no control over whether we’ll ever get it.

For an overachiever like me, subjective decisions and wait-and-see and no-rhyme-or-reason outcomes are hard to take. I like being able to make my own destiny. What is that quote? Be the change you want to see in the world? Just Do It? Live today like you are dying tomorrow? Run a race to see who has the most guts? Carpe Diem?

Yeah. You get it.

I wonder if this is partly why people believe in God and Heaven and all those other things. Because the notion of some higher power being in control of everything is comforting. Does giving up your control, your idea of manifest destiny, to a deity make it easier to get through all the times when the outcome is out of your control?

I suppose it probably does. “I’m praying for you,” gives someone something to say, some small act of feeling useful in times when there isn’t much else to be done.

Despite my own beliefs, I’ve always appreciated someone caring about me enough to offer their prayers.

Anyway, I never realized when I had one how hard well-paying, career-track, professional jobs are to come by.

Now, I do.

Four hours after I applied for quasi-Dream-Job-number-two, I realized I was still holding my breath.

Because, as I told one dear friend, “This just may be the answer, you know?”

So I’m crossing my fingers and staying positive. I believe in the power of believing in something. Believe fully that something will happen and maybe it just will.

I don’t know. It’s all I got.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m right.

And I hope all those people with problems much bigger than unemployment — the unspeakable tragedies of our world (sick babies, cancer in anyone, loss of a loved one, unexplainable infertility, violence, homelessness, bullying, hate … my list could go on) — have something to hang on to, as well.

Prayer. The power of positive thinking. Meditation. Long runs. Music. Love as solid as a rock. Whatever.

Just something to keep breathing.

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17 thoughts on “Maybe it just will

    • Thanks, Tucker! I found a second job I really want today, too, after I wrote this. Two chances to land where we want to land. Positive thinking, come on …

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  1. Yes, it does help to give things up to God, and it’s only in hindsight…never in foresight that you can see that every experience made you who you are. I don’t pray for money, but I would pray for a job. I don’t pray for things, but I would pray for comfort. I pray for God to send me a sign, so I know everything will be ok. I pray for others and hope God will help them. I’m ok with people who are unsure about God. That just means God hasn’t sent you a powerful enough message…yet.

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  2. Good Luck! I never realized until recently how similarly driven we are. I, much like you, struggle with religion and entirely too much drive. There is no “wait and see”. You are doing awesome and you are incredibly brave. Amazing in your ability to keep pushing forward. On second thought, forget “Good Luck”. You will do just fine without it.

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    • Thank you, Angela! I will say I’ve had to learn over the past several months to be more patient, to be better about the inevitable waiting and seeing that sometimes we can’t avoid, to be OK with the notion that I just don’t know how some things will turn out or where we’ll be down the road. And you know what? I feel more calm. And that’s a nice thing!

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  3. I love this – so perfectly said. It’s true that for us control freaks, thinking someone or something else is taking over can be peaceful.

    Also, friend, know that your struggles aren’t any less important than anyone else’s. I hope you get everything you wish for and deserve. Much love.

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  4. I encourage you to check out Coram Deo. Don’t just check out the church, get involved in a Missional Community. Even if you are not a believer in God, I just encourage you to check it out. I promise you’ll be welcome. šŸ™‚

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  5. I also meant to add, that we don’t know each other; but I enjoy your blog and I’ve been praying for you. I see an opprortunity for something beautiful to come out of this experience …

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      • Yes, I tried to get involved some when you first started up momaha.com. And I’ve commented on this blog before about the beauty in sharing stories. Each of us has a story. And our stories can offer lots of hope and encouragement to others. They can shape us. It’s amazing the growth that can come out of hearing someone else’s story. You have a story here, Veronica. I know I don’t need to tell you that – you’re already sharing it on this blog. But in the messiness and craziness and in the disappointment and the heartbreak of the things going on in our lives, I really believe that something beautiful can come out of it. Rejoicing with you about your upcoming marriage. Thankful that your house, as heartbreaking as it is to sell, has sold. And praying that you will be blessed with an amazing work opportunity. Enjoy your weekend.

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  6. Veronica – your ability to articulate your feelings so well is such a gift. You continue to be in my prayers. I believe in a HIgher Power because otherwise I can’t explain the beauty that surrounds us – flowers, sunsets – so many things. However, I sure don’t know the answers to so many questions. And in these cases, I just go with my Mom’s answer – “Love is the answer.” Waiting for some good news right along with you. šŸ™‚

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