Have you ever wanted something so bad that after you ask for it you feel like you’re holding your breath?
Like that easy art of breathing is suddenly threatened, like you realize 20 minutes later that you’re still not really inhaling, that those lungs aren’t working as they should, that you feel light-headed?
Because we’re all waiting for something that may not ever come. We all have something (right?) that we desperately want but have no control over whether we’ll ever get it.
For an overachiever like me, subjective decisions and wait-and-see and no-rhyme-or-reason outcomes are hard to take. I like being able to make my own destiny. What is that quote? Be the change you want to see in the world? Just Do It? Live today like you are dying tomorrow? Run a race to see who has the most guts? Carpe Diem?
Yeah. You get it.
I wonder if this is partly why people believe in God and Heaven and all those other things. Because the notion of some higher power being in control of everything is comforting. Does giving up your control, your idea of manifest destiny, to a deity make it easier to get through all the times when the outcome is out of your control?
I suppose it probably does. “I’m praying for you,” gives someone something to say, some small act of feeling useful in times when there isn’t much else to be done.
Despite my own beliefs, I’ve always appreciated someone caring about me enough to offer their prayers.
Anyway, I never realized when I had one how hard well-paying, career-track, professional jobs are to come by.
Now, I do.
Four hours after I applied for quasi-Dream-Job-number-two, I realized I was still holding my breath.
Because, as I told one dear friend, “This just may be the answer, you know?”
So I’m crossing my fingers and staying positive. I believe in the power of believing in something. Believe fully that something will happen and maybe it just will.
I don’t know. It’s all I got.
But maybe, just maybe, I’m right.
And I hope all those people with problems much bigger than unemployment — the unspeakable tragedies of our world (sick babies, cancer in anyone, loss of a loved one, unexplainable infertility, violence, homelessness, bullying, hate … my list could go on) — have something to hang on to, as well.
Prayer. The power of positive thinking. Meditation. Long runs. Music. Love as solid as a rock. Whatever.
Just something to keep breathing.