Having it all, please


See this girl? Up there? With a glass of wine and a Batman mask and great legs and cool shoes?

I want to be her. I want to be her so badly she’s my desktop picture on my computer at work. She is a reminder that I am so much more than my day job, that there is so much more life to be lived outside the walls of an office or a cubicle or the day-to-day-to-day that sucks up everything.

I told a friend yesterday that I fantasize sometimes about what it will be like when my kids are grown, when I don’t spend evenings playing referee or making dinner or entertaining the toddler at the crowded gymnastics studio while her big sister takes class. For two hours.

I heard a story on NPR the other day about a couple that at the age of 44 sold their house and most of their stuff and bought a boat. They sailed this boat around the world for 11 years, stopping in Hawaii to repair it and then staying there for 10 years. Now, they live in Iowa because they wanted a front-row seat for this year’s presidential election. But after November, they plan to move on again, maybe to Thailand.

So much of me longs to be nomadic, to stay up late and drink and talk and laugh and listen to music and explore, to really live life with abandon.

The other me, though? The other me thinks about my children all the time. The other me loves being with them, loves taking care of them, wouldn’t trade her job as their mom for anything in the whole entire world. Not for anything (even freedom).

This other me is the one who wanted a bigger house, another cat, a dog (dear God), the SUV with third-row seating. This me saves for retirement and believes we should have health insurance. This me plays the game of how we are supposed to live.

Oh, and this me? She still sometimes thinks maybe we should have just one more baby.

But then. Then Batman-with-a-glass-of-wine me kicks and in and screams, “No! Are you crazy?” And, regular me, says yes, no, well, maybe. I don’t know.

The competing desires slay me. How do we get what we really want? How do we carve and craft and maneuver through a life we really want?

How do we first figure out what that life really looks like? Is it truly impossible to have it all?



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